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Torn Between Desire and Disgust: A Dominatrix’s Struggle with Forbidden Attraction
I am dominatrix Alessandra in Shanghai. I often maintain a clear separation between my professional role and personal emotions. However, a recent encounter with a toilet slave has triggered a complex duality within me. Part of me feels an unexpected attraction to him — an undeniable pull that challenges my usual boundaries. At the same time, another part of me feels an intense aversion, almost a fierce dislike for him, driven by the very nature of his role. This conflict creates a deep sense of inner turmoil.
During our session, I found myself enjoying the act of beating him, channeling this fierce passion into my dominance. Yet beneath the surface, what torments me is the growing attraction I cannot control. I cannot choose whom I am drawn to, and this lack of control is unsettling. The more I try to resist, the stronger this internal conflict becomes, leaving me feeling both captivated and repelled at the same time.
In a way, I can relate to the character of Amon Goeth in Schindler’s List, who is inexplicably attracted to Helen Hirsch, a Jewish maid, despite his position of power and the immense tension between them. Like Goeth, I find myself struggling with conflicting emotions that are difficult to reconcile — one part of me drawn toward something forbidden, and another part repulsed by it. It’s a difficult paradox to navigate, where attraction and revulsion coexist in a way that leaves me feeling torn and conflicted.
